I don't want to grow up!

When I was little, I took tap-dancing classes. Our recital performance one year was to "I won't grow up" from the musical Peter Pan. We had these ridiculous pink and white sequined costumes that had nothing to do with the song:

Don't I look thrilled?

Anyhow, whenever life is getting me down and adulting seems too hard, I think back to that song.

Last week, I took two days off work in order to attend a church leadership conference here in Cincinnati. It was such an awesome experience getting to learn more about God, and I left the conference feeling spiritually renewed and ready to take on the world! My weekend was filled with family and friends and beautiful weather, and I felt so prepared to come back to work after being poured into during these experiences.

I knew that things were going to be a little hectic today because that is simply what happens whenever you take time away from the office; it takes twice the amount of time you were gone in order to get caught up. I hadn't even been at my desk for 20 minutes before someone started saying that they needed something done ASAP.

Lately, it seems like no matter what I do at my job, it is never enough. I frequently come home crying in the evenings because I am so frustrated at the amount of work still left to do and the unrealistic expectation of when it all needs to be done. There is a huge amount of distrust among my team members, where no one believes that anyone else can help them, so we all stay on our own little islands. I never really pictured this career for myself in the first place, which makes it all the more difficult to stay with it. We are short-staffed, and the management really isn't helping the issue. There is very little transparency within the company about how issues are being resolved. I don't think it would be much better if I went to a different firm though.

I've thought about changing careers, but I don't even know where I would start looking. I never had a "dream job" when I was a kid. I mostly just picked a major because I thought it sounded good in theory. I've taken some career tests, but I don't really like the options they give me. What about you - how did you decide what career path you wanted to choose?

If only I could be like Peter Pan and never have to worry about growing up...

I'm Trying

One Saturday a couple weeks ago, I thought it would be a good idea to start online dating again. (It wasn't.) I don't think it was out of a place of loneliness that I was searching for companionship. It was more of a sign of boredom. Have you ever had those moments where you keep going back to the same patterns, expecting different results? I certainly have. I heard somewhere that's what they call insanity.

Over the past few years, I have tried online dating numerous times. I have gone on dates with a handful of young men I met and even started a long-ish relationship with one. However, I have come to the conclusion that I really don't want to find someone by meeting on a random dating site. The one relationship that resulted from online dating was filled with a lot of difficulties. Neither of us really wanted to see the other person for who we truly were. When things got hard, the relationship really started to crumble. We had different theologies, and there really wasn't much we had in common. We had no mutual friends. We struggled to let each other in to the places that made us unique.It ended badly, and if I am being honest, I still suffer from a lot of hurt involving that relationship.

The other dates I have been on with guys I met online were duds. Every time I have tried online dating in the past, I always get frustrated about the process. So why did I feel the need to create a new profile?

I have no idea.

Almost instantly, I was getting messages from guys on this particular site. Most of them were one word. I had a few comment on my perceived attractiveness, which was flattering, sure! But that didn't mean I wanted to be messaged solely because of my looks. I had actually put some thought into what my profile would say, throwing in some witty remarks here and there. I made sure to put that my faith was very important to how I live my life. It didn't matter. After two days, I was exhausted from the attention. I always forget how much effort it takes when you sign up for online dating. I decided to cancel my account on Monday night.

The following Saturday, I went to lunch with my mom and my aunt. Our waiter was very attentive and engaging, and he was good-looking too! At the end of our meal, someone joked about me leaving him my number or a note or something. Thinking I had nothing to lose, I did. I took out one of my business cards, wrote a note on the back, and put a star next to my cell phone number. It went into the folder with the tip, and off we went to enjoy a day of shopping.

It's been a week, and I haven't heard anything from him. I don't actually expect he would call me. The point is that I put myself out there with a real, live person, not some picture on a screen. That is definitely more exciting!

Round 2 - Let's try this again

I've never been good at sticking with something for an extended period of time. I usually decide that it is too difficult, and then I give up before actually discovering if I can be successful. That being said, I am going to try blogging again. It's been a while, but I'm still the same me. Well, that's not exactly true. I finally graduated from college two years ago and have been working as an engineer here in Cincinnati. I am still single/unmarried/approaching spinster status, much to my dismay some days. I am still struggling with finding community. I guess all of these things simply mean that I am living, which is better than the alternative.

I have a dear friend that is getting married in a few weeks, and her future family threw a couple's shower in honor of her and her future husband this afternoon. If there was ever a surefire way to make single young women feel more aware of their singleness and lack of prospects, it would be to invite them to a wedding shower. The world decided that wasn't quite enough, so someone invented "couple's showers". I was one of two single women at this event, and while I am so truly very happy for my friend and her new chapter in life, I can't help but wonder when I will have something that doesn't make me feel so alone. It would be nice to have a partner. I've been on my own for so long that I don't even know if I am capable of letting someone that deeply into my life.

As I was driving home from work  yesterday, I realized how embittered I have become lately. I don't really like it, but old habits die hard. I want to be happy for the people around me who have new, exciting things happening to them. It's difficult when i feel like I have been stuck in the same place for the past couple of years with no real changes. The loneliness and discontent don't seem to be going away, and I'm not sure what to do to make things better. I have tried to be more involved at church, which helps to a certain extent, but I am still lacking in that ever elusive area of community. I want to find a group of friends with whom I can be open and honest about my struggles and also just enjoy life.